Potty Panic

Kristi went on a two week work-related trip to Japan in October last year. This is the email I sent to her after I dropped her off at the airport, reprinted here by request:


Sunday, October 14, 2007 11:17 PM
From: Brian Bowker
T0: Kristi Bowker
Subject: Potty Panic

Dear Kristi,

I miss you already. Here's one of the many reasons why:

So today when we left to go to the airport I kinda had to go to the bathroom, but I expected it to be a pretty quick run to the Bellingham terminal. When your flight was canceled I got distracted and we started off driving to SeaTac in a hurry (as you remember). But no worries: I'm pretty good at holding it and it wasn't an emergency yet.

By the time I dropped you off at SeaTac I definitely needed to go, but instead of having to pay for parking and fight my way through the airport I figured I would just find someplace for lunch on the way home and go there. Nuvi to the rescue; I found a sandwich shop that sounded good and off I went, gritting my teeth ever so slightly.

The GPS started telling me that the exit was coming up, and there was a fair amount of traffic so I started merging to the right in preparation. But it turns out the exit was on the left so I missed it! I cried out a little bit as I went by, now really needing to go!

I quickly picked a new Deli and headed to the next exit, a few miles down the freeway. This time I made the exit, but then missed a turn and was on a road that didn't have a way to turn around. I think I used a mild swear word at that point.

So now I was getting desperate, and decided to pick the closest restaurant on the way, which was about 1.5 miles down the road. I found the street, parked around the corner and hustled my way towards where the GPS had assured me would be a diner. After I walked about two blocks along a very busy road I came to realize that there was, in fact, no diner on that street! Now in pain, I ran back to the car, cursing under my breath all the way.

When I got back to the car I quickly put in the next closest place, which was a teriyaki place another 1.8 miles away, and when I got there it was CLOSED! Now in accute pain I cursed the very ground I was driving on!

A little ways further was a filling station... SALVATION! I screeched the tires on my way into the lot and ran into the mini-mart. I asked the lady behind the register if they had a restroom and she said no. NO!?? "Well," she says, "we do have one but there is already someone else using it. Oh wait - he's coming out; you can use it now."

My heart about jumped through my throat! A flood of emotions rushed through me; I would finally get to pee!

But wait - there were TWO GUYS ALREADY IN LINE FOR THE BATHROOM! There are NEVER lines in front of mens rooms!! THE UNIVERSE HATES ME!

Disgusted and agitated, I tell her I'll find somewhere else and storm out of the parking lot, determined that there should be another filling station in the vicinity. But no - there wasn't. I was deep in the middle of some industrial park in the middle of north SeaTac where there were no public restrooms.

It might as well have been Hell.

Somewhere around this point I started praying in earnest for the salvation of my bladder. Tears were starting to form in my eyes as I desperately selected the next nearest restaurant, which turned out to be, coincidentally, a sandwich shop. I was speeding as I drove towards it!

The sandwich shop was inside a business park where nothing was open, NOT EVEN THE SANDWICH SHOP! I parked the car in front not knowing what to do but knowing that I could not drive any further. My teeth were no longer just "floating" but starting to feel as if they might start leaking out of my mouth! At this point I was about 3 hours overdue to go to the bathroom and I was actually starting to get tunnel vision!

I was in a bad way.

But then I noticed that the sandwich shop had converted a few of their parking spots in front into an outdoor dining area. There were even trees planted around three sides of it...

Now, it's important to me that you understand that I was not in control of my actions at this point. I was quite mad from the pain and frustration and I'm certain that I had foam beginning to form in the corners of my mouth.

And so I peed. Behind a groomed shrubbery, alarmingly close to a table where someone would someday sit and eat their sandwich, I peed. I peed with such relief that waves of dizziness coursed through my body. I peed for all the times I had ever needed to pee ever before in all of my childhood. I peed for what seemed like an eternity.

And when I was finished I couldn't even move. I just stood there in a daze, with my mouth agape, my trousers open, holding my penis, in front of a sandwich shop somewhere in north SeaTac.

And so this is how I came to commit the crime of public urination. Less than 45 minutes after you had left and I could not even find a bathroom on my own! The next two weeks with out you are looking pretty grim.

I love you and I miss you. If you get the opportunity while you're in Japan, please come home.

-Brian